I can even haz opening scene that sucketh not.

*breathes*

*snuggles not!Harry*

Many many many thanks to the lovely and effulgent pensive1 and sunnyd_lite and bigsciencybrain for suggestions and handholding.

I still think I've lost a good chunk of his sarcasm, but at this point he's just trying not to break into bitty shards because he flat does not have the information these bozos are torturing him for. And even if he did have it, he wouldn't give it to them, because he's a stubborn little bastard, so there. *adds even MOAR* OH GOD BEN.

I am a vile human being. They allow me to be around small animals and children because...?