Arrant Nonsense

"Alex. What. In the world. Is that."

Megan's eye was amber. Again. I cringed, but not much, because this was really cool. Also, the scotch I'd consumed the previous night hadn't worn off yet.

"The fleasel was such a success, I thought I'd try a dragon." It had started as a green tree monitor, but now it had wings. And-- "Watch out!"

It burped out a flame, which set some paper ablaze. I grabbed a water bottle and dumped it over the paper, the dragon, and Megan's three-hundred-dollar Jimmy Choos.

"No," she said, in a tone that brooked no argument.

"But."

"No."

"I'll give it to Chambliss to... take care of?" Our butler knew a portal to someplace where questions weren't asked about things like dead bodies. Presumably, dragons too.

Ah, well. Maybe my next creation wouldn't try to set my wife on fire.

"Oh, blah blah blah." Ralesh perched on the headboard. "Don't you get tired of that shtick, Nachi? They never listen."

"Sometimes they do." Sure they do, a traitorous voice whispered in my head. They listen to angels not you. Because you are a failure and a screwup.

"I am not." I didn't even realize I'd said it aloud until Ralesh raised an eyebrow. I tightened my jaw and stared between my boots. "Leave be, Ralesh. I don't want to talk about it."

"Something's clearly bugging you, Nachi. Why don't you tell your big brother what it is? You know--" Ralesh's voice was casual. "It's not like Ereziel not to notice when something's bothering one of his underlings. Or, maybe he did notice and sent you down to a difficult assignment anyway. Gal was pretty broken up, you know."

"Galiel's not exactly experienced with Charges like this." And you are, that voice whispered again. What does it say about you that someone like Gerald is all you get anymore? "Someone had to come, and it fell to me." My chin came up. "And I'm glad to do it. I'm glad to do Father's Will and help His people see their way. It's a noble calling and I'm doing good work."

Ralesh snorted. "You just keep telling yourself that--while you watch your Charges traipse merrily off to Hell. Very noble."

"Nobler than what you're doing, Ral. I might not be able to stop them traipsing to Hell, but you're the one giving them an active push. All in the name of sharing the misery." My mouth turned down. "Does it make you feel better? What do you gain by hurting Father's people? You're still just as wretched."

Ralesh's lips twisted in a snarl. "Sharing the misery is enough. You don't know what it's like. Pray you never do."

"I wouldn't follow the Morningstar and his preposterous rantings on a bet, brother. Why a third of you did is a question for the ages. Were you really so oppressed? Was Father's love not enough?"

Ralesh spat. "He doesn't love us, or you. He loves them. These ridiculous meatsacks, so easily led by their desires and their baser instincts. Serve them? I'd sooner be Fallen."

"And so you are, Ralesh."

Back inside, the work consumed him, completely blocking out everything else. Lunch came and went without him noticing. Sometime around nine PM, he ate. . . something he didn't remember five minutes later, in between poring over slides and tissue and nanotech, trying to figure out what had gone wrong. He had an enormous pot of coffee next to him, and a fresh bottle of single-malt scotch. If he could've used an IV to mainline the stuff, he would have, but the one time he tried that, he'd had to endure a two-hour lecture from both Megan and Chambliss on why it was a very bad horrible idea, so he drank it down the conventional way and lamented how slow it was, while back-burnering an idea to speed absorption.

My wife rarely screamed. So when she let out a bloodcurdling shriek, I hobbled to the bathroom to find her flailing around with her pants around her ankles--and what looked like a fanged octopus fastened to her ample, naked rump. It had sickly green spots on mottled gray skin and way too many tentacles, and it glared at me with four malevolent red eyes.

"Take us baaaaaaack..." Its voice was a growly quaver. Charlie snapped off a shot, but the energy bolt had no effect on it, passing through and spattering harmlessly against the bulkhead. "I am beyond your puny weapons. Take us back or face my wrath."

"Yes, yes, very frightening," said a dry voice. Russ spun around and confronted a see-through stranger lounging in the doorway with his arms crossed, dressed in clothing a hundred years out of date. "Might I remind you, Seymour, that we're not all united in this enterprise of yours."

"We must stay buried in hallowed ground!" Now the first apparition just sounded whiny. Russ turned again and saw that it had shrunk down to human-sized and had pushed the cowl off its head.

"What difference does it make? We're just as dead," the second specter snapped. "You'll have to excuse my colleague," he said to Russ. "He does have a flair for the dramatic."

"A flair--what the--" Russ collapsed into his seat. Mandy hyperventilated beside him, and Charlie knelt in front of her and chafed her wrists. "Someone want to explain to me just what the hell is going on?"

"What's more likely? That every single other person in the village is wrong and you're right? Or that you've taken a bit too much of your own potions and it's messed about with your mind a bit?"

I tightened my lips. "Advaiel!" He appeared a few seconds later, just as he'd promised, and I gestured at Leonas, frustrated. "Can you make him leave? Please?"

"Oh, yes, brother, I'd like to see you try," Leonas said, crossing his arms. "It should be amusing and instructive for all involved."

Advaiel rubbed his face. He looked unutterably weary. "I'm sorry, Kaveh. He's assigned to you, and evil will have its day before good triumphs in the end. Just ignore him. He hates that and it's actually a rather effective strategy. If you don't engage him, he has nothing to grab hold of."

"You're no fun, Adva," Leonas sulked. "Father needs evil in the world to show these ridiculous humans the contrast with good it makes. I'm part of His vaunted Plan, and you know it as well as I."

"You're part of no one's plan but the Evil One's. Bad enough you're trying to delude Kaveh. Deluding yourself is just sad." Advaiel huffed. "I apologize for my mannerless brother, Kaveh. He clearly has trouble overstaying his welcome."

"Well, I'll ignore him from here on out. Perhaps he'll take the hint and bother someone more receptive."

"Like your cousin Marjan?" Leonas shot back.

"I swear before God--" I leaped from my chair, and the fire flared in the hearth. "Get out. Now. Or I will find a way to bind you so far away from here you'll never return."

"Well." His tone was airy. "My work here is done anyway. Good morrow, Kaveh. Brother." And he disappeared in an overdramatic puff of smoke.

I fired again, more steady this time, and a splash of crimson exploded from his chest. The fire guttered out, and he slumped in his saddle, his lips moving. I couldn't quite hear what he said, but he fell to the ground in a boneless heap, and his compadres left on the run. Jock tail-wagged back to me, well-pleased with his day's work.

I jumped out of my saddle and trotted over to the rustler. Bright blood stained his lips, and his expression was unbelieving. "You..." he rasped. He was dying. Can't say I was either surprised or upset.

"Told you. We don't take kindly to rustlers in these parts."

"Sleep...forever. And may all your dreams...be terrifying." He exhaled one last time, and I thought something insubstantial and shrieking rose from his body and flew away.

"Well, what the hell," I muttered.

"Sam! Sam!" A tiny winged form hovered in front of my nose. Daneen. "We have to get you home. Right now!"

"Why? What's the matter?"

"That was a death curse! You must get home before the sun goes down. I might be able to--" She stopped and gulped. "But not out here. I'm a house fairy--my powers outdoors are weak."

"A death...what?" Events were catching up with me, and the shakes suddenly gripped me like an ague. The rustler had shot fire at me with his bare hands. Daneen was one thing; I was used to her. This was quite different.